It’s not you, it’s me. Well actually, it’s all about you.

Last week I read some letters people had submitted to a magazine — letters written to cancer. Some were funny, some were angry, some were letters of acceptance, and some were breakup letters. I liked the breakup letters best. 

I’d like to write my own breakup letter, but because I cannot break up with breast cancer, I need to find a way to accept it. The bottom line is that I don’t need to be happy about accepting it. I refuse to say cancer was a gift, or my greatest teacher, or some bull shit like that. I have learned things while living with cancer, but I didn’t have to have cancer to learn those lessons. My general philosophy is that I refuse to live an unexamined life regardless of the circumstances. 

A friend of mine is in hospice right now. I visited her, and she struggled to get words out, so she had to make them really count when she could speak. She said, “I always wanted to do more, but I’ve done a lot, a lot of living.” That’s a beautiful thing to say. And I think even more it fits right in with my philosophy: examine life, be curious, make intentional choices, and without losing motivation, be gentle on yourself, but keep LIVING. 

My [abbreviated] letter:

So cancer, we cannot break up. You’re only growing more insidious as time goes on. But I know to expect you now. I have come to accept that truth. I have called you my shadow, contemplated you as a jabberwocky, tried to deny I knew you, and compared my life before and after you burst in. You have injected stress and uncertainty into my children’s lives, my husband’s life, and our family. You have taken friends away from me and their families. You have altered my plans more times than I can count. You have caused me bodily pain and mutilation. You have forced me to contemplate my mortality more than anyone cares to. You have caused me emotional anguish. I cannot say it’s all about me because, in all actuality, it’s you cancer. You have come along uninvited, unwanted; I have accepted that now. So I will continue to examine my life, keep pushing myself to take my roles seriously, and be intentional. I will continue to experience joy, give my people love, and be grateful for every moment I am here on this earth. And while doing all of that living, great living, I will expect your presence.

Your forever frenemy,

Hannah