3rd Cancerversary

Heads up: This post isn’t all rosy and pretty; it ends well though. I know I present as a strong and capable woman (mostly I am that), yet there is a pragmatic side to this whole story that I don’t delve into often because it’s dark, hopeless, and just downright terrifying. Happy Reading 🙂

Do you remember way back when I was first diagnosed, what I said the median survival was of someone with MBC? Three to five years. It’s not a lot. And if you’re thinking, “but Hannah, not everyone with MBC has the same risk/outcome,” you would be right. MBC isn’t one single type of breast cancer, and yet only 28% of people with MBC (all types) live past 5 years.

Why then am I telling you all of these things again?? Because I MADE IT TO 3 YEARS BABY! Yup, September 18th marked the 3rd anniversary of being told news that would alter my life forever. I am still in that clinical trial that I started in October 2018. This is still my first line of treatment, and my cancer is behaving well (small and stable) for now. THAT is something to celebrate, and yet the statistics are against me.

It’s impossible to reach this point and not think, “these could be my last 2 years.” I told you this was going to go dark. If you have heard me talk about my friends I have lost along the way, you know I call cancer an “inconvenient bitch” because it doesn’t take anyone’s plans into consideration. You could be fine one day and three months later be gone. Doctors can’t explain it; we cannot cure it; cancer is smart and will take you when it wants to.

But when I feel those dark and heavy thoughts encroaching in on me, I say NOT TODAY CANCER, and I attend my support group, have a therapy session, meditate, play with my kids, snuggle my family, hang out with my friends, or do anything that brings me closer to LIFE. Oh, and I say fuck a lot too, it helps, trust me. I am not fighting a battle, I am trying to manage this ever-consuming job I call MBC while also being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend.

Let’s take a deep dive into the last three years. A little walk down memory lane. I have endured 115+ days of appointments, blood draws, scans, etc. Sometimes these days are quick, most of these days are long, and all of them interrupt my life and remind me that MBC is here to stay. Have I told you there is no cure?

As the oncology world calls, I am currently on cycle 51 of continuous daily medication, targeted therapy. Additionally, I take medication for my thyroid that stopped working due to my immunotherapy treatment and two meds for GI issues caused by the abemaciclib. If I don’t take them, I have chronic GI inflammation. There is also anastrozole to block the production and uptake of estrogen in my body. And a handful of other meds for pain or sleep or anxiety. That’s over 10,700 pills.

As I write this today, I feel pretty decent physically; I am hopeful that I will be an outlier; I am grateful for my medical team and the medications I am on; I am forward-thinking; I am resilient; I will keep going.

And the highlights from 2018-2021

1 genomic sequencing
2 brain MRIs and 7 total MRIs
1 ultrasound
40 CT scans
3 X-rays
6 pathology reports
2 surgeries
2 colonoscopies, 1 endoscopy
3 specialists (orthopedic, GI, and endocrinologist)
31 infusions (22 pembrolizumab infusions, lupron injections, and zometa every 3 months)
SO MANY HOURS on the phone with insurance…..schedulers, nurses, pharmacies, etc.

Here is the best part of my MBC life: YOU. When my days are dark, you fill me up. Thank you community, for being there for my family and me through all of this and beyond. Because of you, we have been blessed and comforted in countless ways. I cannot quantify the effects of your generosity. Where cancer has changed or taken away from our family, you have inserted your kindness, joy, and love so that we are not left alone or without. It is immeasurable the number of meals that you have provided for us, the cards and care packages you have sent to me, the prayers and good energy you have lifted up for me, the hours of babysitting or carpooling you have covered for us, the money that you have raised and given to our family to make memories and help us breath easier for those early days when I was no longer working. Indeed, YOU are my highlight of the last three years. My kids and husband are pretty great too 😉

To celebrate this three-year milestone, take a deep breath in, and come back here tomorrow — it is the start of breast cancer awareness month and my 37th birthday, and I’ll be sharing how you can think beyond pink and honor me along the way.

XOXO

Casting for Recovery Retreat

Three years ago, or maybe it was four (COVID made me lose track), I was waitlisted for this breast cancer retreat called Casting for Recovery (CfR). I didn’t know what the connection between breast cancer and fly fishing was, but I knew I wanted to do it. I have always wanted to learn how to fly fish, but never had the opportunity to try it.

I grew up bait fishing in the summers with my grandpa and it is still something I remember fondly. We would catch mostly walleye, some perch, and if we were lucky a small bass in Lake Erie. Andrew and I went fishing a few times in Oregon too, but we have never been fishing in New Hampshire. Being the wimp that I am though, I really hated cutting the worms with my thumb nail, and I had heard that in fly fishing there were no live worms to cut. Beyond that I didn’t know much about fly fishing, and to be honest I didn’t even know if that was true or not. Worms or not, I was intrigued by the sport.

The year I was wait listed for the CfR retreat I got a call the day before the retreat and was asked if I could make it, as one person that was slated to come no longer attend. The answer was no, we had family plans that wouldn’t allow me to go. I applied again last year and was accepted but the organization canceled the retreats because of COVID. Bummed again! Finally, this year I got in and it was worth the wait! My retreat was in Stowe, VT.

Let me tell you a little about the organization…it’s a national operation that started right here in New England, Vermont to be more precise. It started small and is now offering 40 or more retreats a year across the US, is mostly volunteer led (there are only a few paid staff), and supports women that have had or currently are living with breast cancer. They have some awesome sponsors and the funds they raise go towards making these retreats 100% free to those attending. They provide gear, lodging, food, support group sessions, fly fishing lessons, and a guided fly fishing experience.

My wonderful guide helping me with my casting technique

What is the connection to breast cancer and fly fishing you may ask? I wondered that myself. Their website says it best by stating that “For women who have had surgery or radiation as part of their breast cancer treatment, the gentle motion of fly casting can be good physical therapy for increasing mobility in the arm and upper body. Couple that with the emotional benefits of connecting with nature, and you’ve got powerful medicine.”

The motion of casting the fly is incredibly meditative. It feels more challenging the more you force the line out or the harder you work — kind of like golf in that way, although I am not the best golfer (yet). Once my muscles relaxed into the motion and I let my body and line move in sync I felt this full body connection to the time and space that I was in. Now, I don’t want to paint a beautiful perfect fly fishing picture, I most definitely didn’t get the cast right on the first 50 tries, but I did get it, and then I didn’t get it, and then I got it again. When I got it right, all felt just right.

In addition to learning this new sport, I met some lovely women along the way. The CfR staff were incredible teachers, and the participants were fun, interesting, and engaged. Some breast cancer retreats or support groups are stuffy, dull, and end up feeling like a whole lot of work. This was the opposite experience for me. I cannot wait to connect with these women again out on the river.

If you’re a fly fisher, let me know, I want to go out with you too!

XOXO

Posts and posts and posts to come!

Hello all of loyal and new blog followers 😉 It has been a while since I have written to you on here, so let me cut to the chase: the great news is that my cancer is still behaving on the same treatment line I have been on since 2018. That’s a freaking miracle. No really, it is. More on that though in another post.

I am in the process of writing up at least 3 posts that I hopefully will get out and published in the next 3 days. Aren’t you excited?! Just to give you a preview: why fly fishing with cancer survivors is awesome, cancerversary #3, and finally breast cancer awareness month and why you should donate your money to these causes this month and not with other PINK campaigns.

Thank you for waiting so patiently! You all are much better at waiting than me.

XOXO